SYRA

06:58 pm: dreams of an insomniac
Received Zoya's pics finally. She's beautiful.

Went to Nano's again today. It's most heartbreaking to see her. She's only tolerating life, and only because she has no choice..she's back in the state of complete dependency, and being helpless. Infants and children are of course welcome to be dependent..but are the old. Its a real tragedy. You toil throughtout to give ur children a beautiful, worry-free life..and after all love isnt uncondiitonal. Not even the love b/w a mother and a child. Even a mother holds expectations, and pay back.

On a cheerful note, my literature module has coem to an end adn now we're jsut 3 modules away from summer break..yay! Really looking forward to going to America. It'll be quite a different experience from last time i'm sure..much more fun i hope.

I've become a complete insomniac lately. Can't sleep a wink earlier than 4 in the morning..adn the lil that i do sleep is tarnished by the strangest dreams that i hv.

I wish there was a complete diploma on the interprestaton of dreams..i think i would really master it given the obsession.

anywho...

04:08 pm: If love was jazz...
If love was jazz
Id be dazzled
By its razzmatazz

If love was a sax
I'd melt in its brassy flame
Like wax.

If love was a guitar,
I'd pluck its six strings,
Eight to the bar.

If love was a trombone,
I'd feel its slow
Slide, right down my backbone

If love was a drum,
I'd be caught in its snare
Kept under its thumb

If love was a trumpet,
I'd blow it.

If love was jazz,
i'd sing its praises,
Like Larkin has

But love isn't jazz,
It's an organ recital,
Eminently worthy,
not nearly as vital

If lvoe was jazz,
I'd always want more,
i'd be a regular,
On that smoky dance-floor

06:55 pm: classical conditioning
It is true. The 90/10 prinicple.
10% is the unforseen, unpredictable, unimaginable, inevitable etc etc. And 90%, our reaction to it. Its the 90% that controls our lives in the true sense. Its that, that causes more/worse trouble, anxiety, pain, suffering. And yes we can control it BEFORE it gets the better of us and starts to control our lives. Hmm...

Ive had a dreadful weeek. I knwo i hv done really terrible things and i AM hating myself for it every moment. But what im 'proud' of is that im quite composed. Im keeping a straight face adn well not pullign on chyla.

Or i think that mayeb with age ur level of guilt becomes low..or i dunno maybe my schema isnt functioning right.

Anywho, had a great tiem wuith Uzma. It seemed jstu liek odl times..and man theres nothgin leik catchign up with old friends..its jsut so..soothing. And My God! her daughter is such an adorable lil thing..gosh..,mashallah.. And actually now i dont blame Uzma for beign surprised/schocked/disappointed Maryam adn I are still not hooked. Her daughter has started running!

I put yogurt in may hair last nite and it became so soft i couldnt get hold of it..haha..its amazing how soemtimes the least exp of things work wonders.

12:31 pm: say or dont say..the answer will always be the same
oh i did what i had to do. I missed out some details on purpose..i dont know if that purpose is infact so purposeful.
I was feeling blissful..but now its takign its toll..hmmm..chalo its oki doki.

Our discourse analysis teacher..she's hmm well versed and learned..but shes too darned impressed with India. All through the class she would compare our policies to theirs..adn went on complimenting their level of intellect bla bla bla. What the hell was seh tryign to do..put us in an inferiority complex?
Khair i do agree they hv better polices..wise and msot importantly consistent.

Missing everybody very much thse dyas..bhai, maria, zeast, savera...

i ll go take a shower..

09:19 pm: to say or not to say, THAT is the Q
I ve been in a fix for nearly 2 months now.
I hv jsut abandoned him, well 'abandoned' makes him sound liek a real angel which he is not..but anyway i hv just stopped without givin no reason, sound or lame..
I jsut didnt want him to knwo i was made to do it under oath, but that i realised by myself wht a fool i was being/have been..and that i hv some tiny self respect..
and msotly when i think bout it..it seems liek a sane thign to do..and that he has been mean to me enough to have me do this..adn that if its really meant to be, he will surely surely get back soemhow soomewhere soemtime.
But then at other times when i think with an exxtremeely open mind..i feel hes neve been wrong, he is jsut very strange and different, and i hv known all along that he is..and that i was always in luv with him and his strangeness..and so it has jsut been my fault..and that just as his givign me mixed signals from tiem to time..i hv been doing pretty much the same..ive always been ambiguous in what i said and also in hwo i thught and soemtimes felt... and so im equaklly at fault..
but then other times i think its really no one's fault..adn we ought to hv been friends forever and ever...and that in itself is soo special...
but i alsao feel i shoudl tell him, and THEN leave it to him or God or fate or hormones...
and i miss him soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo mcuh....and.......and i cant utter nothing...thsi is so outrageously pathetic...

12:45 pm: Pak vs India
After much effort i FINALLY got to go to the match! But guess wht happens..Pakistan loses. To HELL with em! Everyone knew the match was fixed..so what can one say. Althogh Paki sure benefitted from this 'friendship' tour of India. Our lovely historical fort and Shalimar gardens were full of hindus and sikhs and of course all the 5 star hotels with the cricket team. And and liebrrty was literally jampacked with all these indian women shopping their asses off.
So pretty lucrative eh.

Last i went to the Stadium was way bakc in hmmmmmm 1998..and I really had forgotten hwo grand it is, and jstu hwo amazing it is to be there..all the roars and cheering and swearing. It was a real fun experience. There were 3 'lota' girls sittign right next to me who were siding with both the times..the darned losers.

Anywho i was hoping and hopign id run into buttoo..but mera kya hae ive been hoping for hte past 6 years now.I ran itno a coupel of other people thoguh. Nadia Jamil, teh Phantom of the Opera queen.. and the bitchy Aliya from LGS..and oh! the georgeous dude from the wedding..and yes he recognized me immediately! aaahh.. :)

09:11 pm: life is...
moving pretty fast regarding school, but other than that its in downright slow motion. Some times..many times i feel my existence is soo darned pointless.
hmm and i dont feel like writing no more....

no winter lasts forever, no autumn skips its turn...so why worry...

but then life's not a bed of roses.
its a life that's full of care, a myriad worries and
sorrows to bear.

silly lil eve who couldnt resist the apple, and brought life upon us...

'frailty thy name is woman'..its true.

ta ta.

09:20 pm: peeestoo junior
zeast had a baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaabyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
i cant beleive itttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt oh god oh god how tiny how cute how angelic how incredible she msut be!!!!!
cant wait to jump on the plane and get to her!

06:34 pm: 2004 a yr of happiness.....???
im soooooooooooooooooo tired.. i sjtu want to crash...

socio lingusitics is finally over! man it was leeengthy..

its chachas weddign today..hmm im not very excited.. the woman he's wedding of mine used to be a collegue (not a very great person) sadly..
lets see how it goes..

still not on talking terms with bhai n maria...i cant believe this is actually happening....i feel so sad so lost without 'em... why am i so weak n pathetic...adn why do i NEED to realize it from tiem to time. I mean i knwo i will continue being a weaklign all my life so wht purpose does this realization serve? oh i know, makes me feel all the more miseeeerable.

Apparently Sana's bf lost his wallet soemwhere adn lsot 10 000 bcuks adn hd to submit a form in isb bla bla bla..
id ont buy any of that bastard's crap.. hes jsut using my friend and that stupid girl doesnt see it..
khair i did give him the money...yes that BASTARD jsut as a favor to sana...
he looked gross...he had his hair wet with gel or drool for all i know...adn wore those cat sunglasses...yukhhh.. adn why the hell was he puttign up an american accent! Ok now hes a SISSY bastard.

i hate men i haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate MEEEEEEN..adn im not a feminist or sexist or naythuing.,..i JUST hate men

damn its nearly 7..i ll go get ready....

p.s I HATE MEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

02:32 pm: valentines day my ASS
no flowers no cards no admirer as always.
tut tut syra go bury ur sorry tush in the ground.

07:06 pm: life goes on...
I didnt get to sleep all through the darned night.
The human mind is so unfair. When u really need it to work its DEAD, and when u need it to take it easy or better yet be just numb it works like a dawg.
I finally watched chameli. For once ive really enjoyed watching Kareena. Actually i think its her character which makes her appear nice n real..cuz i think she IS a slut in real life.
hmm is this crazy jealousy? :) hmm no NOT particularly.
Had a great time wth batote and muttoo today. I palyed soo much cricket and scored over a century! Of course the bowler was only hamza but i do know how to hold that bat! relaly i was superb.
Muttoo was surprisingly in a real lovey dovey mood today. God how i love these kids..and how i love kids... hmm adn when will i hv kids of my very own? Hmm soemtimes i think i wont make much of an interesting/friendly mother. I would jsut be always anxious bout their health n diet and studies and character and whtnot. hmm lets see...
Baji sounded hurt that i never discuss buttoo with her but with maria. And she tried and tried to get me to tell her everything. What an irony of fate. The right time the right place the right circumstances..but alas not the right person...

11:34 am: I am PATHETIC
it's been a busssy week. Although we hardly had any guests coming..but well we did hv the usual lunch on teh 1st day and then dinner later on. My cookign went all well thank god. And today wehn i was in the most relaxing mood..i wake up to find bushee isnt here again! and i hd os mcuh planned for today...parhai..beauty treatment..baji's.. darn that woman. i couldnt sleep all nite...experiencing the weirdest of moods. Thankfully i had fags and well they nearly always make a difference even if its jsut psychological.. I kept on msging maria on her cell alll nite..without getting any replies..and now im left with no credit.. never tell a man hes special, nto unless he worships u already.... im a foolosh foolish girl with no ego no dignity..im ...worthless..

09:24 pm: sigh

that ****** is avoiding me...

life couldn't be more GAREAAAT

06:16 pm: lousy

Just as i stepped out of the car, i dropped my folder and all the papers fell out on the wet ground. It was so cold and my hair was still damp. I was in class long before time. I iddnt talk to anyone, kept reading through my notes without grasping a word. Maryam came in a while later. She msutve noticed the grim look on my face, she had jsut uttered 'oye tume kya hua hae' and tears rolled down..i cried n cried n cried..i just couldn't stop..uff i wanted to jsut run away into teh dark corridors and hide my pathetic face..

Its been raining continuosly since the past two days. For once im hating it. Its creating the perfect melancholic atmosphere for my already aching 'soul'.

08:44 pm: Chanu kee aank peh aik nasha hae!
Maria left this morn. Surprisingly the cryign session was pretty short and not too intense. khair i am obviosuly missing her quite a bit. anywho..

Im watching Lady adn the Tramp..such an adorable movie. Sometimes i so want a pet in my life!

Ali Zafar's performign at Kinnaird on Valentine's but guess what..only couples allowed..kahan sae banaaoo apna couple! See its at times liek these, oen feels teh urgent need of a bf. ugggh I ll fgiure soemthgn out..

dinner's served and im more than gonnoo eat it..

laterzzz

12:39 am: Am I going astray?
Does the 'soul' exist? Or is it jsut a by-product of teh scientific functions of the mind?
Allah exists i know..i believe. But why has he created the universe? And if Allah is 'omnipotent', then why not destroy Satan once and for all? Is there even the good and evil?
Am i going to hell for this? Is there a hell? Am i losing my religion? No..its jsut a strange phase...it ll pass..

But what will happen when we die..the soul will perish with the body or it will be set free or it will go settle in some other being? And well lets say humans do hv a soul. Do the animals and plants hv a soul too?

05:24 pm: Inhuman and Underdeveloped
New govts, new laws, new policies, new development strategies, better roads, bigger plazas etc etc etc

WHY DOESNT ANYONE GIVE A FUCK BOUT THE WIDESPREAD BEGGARY IN THIS DARNED COUNTRY???!!!

I dont understand why it is now ACCEPTED to be an IMPOSSIBLE task. Why dont they look into it? why cant htey end this pathetic menace??

Little boys and girls who would/should rather be cuddling up with their mums or completing their school homework or playing in their homes or watchign cartoons or so much more and so much better are doign what? Roaming streets in the day and in the night, when its icy cold, and in the scorching heat, with no socks and no shoes. Women holding lil babies with clothign least suitable to the weather. Men with no arms and no legs crawling with a tin cup attached to him, hopign for anyone to put in money..even if its jsut a penny.

How can one hope for 'development' in a country liek this. Why shodul oen even deserve to develop in a country liek this...

12:50 pm: jan rain
its raining! Lovely..just lovely...

02:42 pm: 'The Escape Route' by Ahmad Bilal

There was a certain loss of interest in life, till I felt the cold chills of death in my feet and hands. And a certain storm of brain waves moved around the room, swirled, rotated and entered my mind, and left. Worms ate whatever was left of the appetite for life. The stimulating thoughts froze somewhere in the dead cold silence. I looked around and found emptiness whispering some words of despair to dreams which took their belongings and left. Hey, wait! You are taking away… umm… what was the word? “Joys?” someone screamed. Oh well. I went through the dictionary of my life and found the half-erased J word. It’s a sin… don’t say the J word. I am an eternal cynic.

Last night on TV, they sent a machine to Mars, to look for the Iraqi weapons of mass destruction. One mountain on the red planet resembled the turban of Bin Laden. And G W Bush pointed at the sky and the word “Evil!” slipped from his mouth and spread across the land on air waves. Tomahawk missiles flew, and a few hundred lives were lost on TV. And before they announced a few hundred more, there was a pause to cool off the emotions with a can of Vanilla Coke. It tastes like regular Coke. Just that you burp vanilla after-taste. Feels good indeed! Did someone say the J word again?

I looked at the red digits on my answering machine in blue night light - nineteen and not blinking. I blinked my eyes, still nineteen and still not blinking. Electronic toys don’t say a word, but this one has a story inside. Her lipstick stained her telephone receiver with long-distance kisses. And while her husband wiped it off, she still had nightmares of red wax on cold white plastic. And as she woke up in his arms, in the dead cold silence of the night, she heard someone whisper, “I love you too”. He was sleeping, as her eyes were fixed on the ceiling, like a dead corpse. Her eyes were not blinking. Just like the answering machine. Did you count it right? Yes, nineteen was the number. And she went back to sleep.

Mindless labor kept me busy all day. And I felt the wind from life as it passed by in a snap. A few glimpses of corporate junk and stock tickers in front of my eyes. I programmed it to start at five. It did, but I didn’t leave till seven. There was a pale yellow light in the room, and the friendly silence, mixed with humming sound from more machines. Computers live a better life than humans. They are deterministic. I walked out and heard the door close behind me. Another day was done, and I was successfully another day closer to the day when my eyes will stop blinking too. I can relate with the answering machine. Death is the common denominator.

The guy at Seven-Eleven was half asleep. He obviously had a long day too. His fake smile had a message as profound as, “Flavored drinks bring joys”. Ah, the J word again. Would it ever leave me? I took a few sips from whatever it was. And soon it was over. I was thirsty, but towards the end I wasn’t. Sounds like life. So is it umm … the end? “Never mind” I thought out loud, as I put my car in Drive, and raced away. They call it the ultimate driving machine. More corporate junk!

“Would you like an extra large serving of pain with life?” He asked. That comes free with membership of the 21st century intellect club. Thanks, but no thanks. I am on a diet. I turned on the TV, and saw the familiar images over and over again. Same words, sometimes rearranged, sometimes deranged. I turned it off. Dark emptiness surrounded me like a comforter. I wrapped my arms around the pillow. The telephone wouldn’t ring. In a distance, I saw the dead number nineteen. I closed my eyes. A message appeared in front of my eyes: It is now safe to turn off your brain. Welcome to the escape route.

02:29 pm: once in a while..
I always try and shun u out of my mind. But last night i didnt try, i just let my imagination run wild....